in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We just shotgunned beers for America
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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