Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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