i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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