I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize