I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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