you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
