you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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