i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
