Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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