i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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