It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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