The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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