It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
