I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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