My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
