there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
