All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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