It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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