I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
