Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
