Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
