i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
