My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
