i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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