Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
