I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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