Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
