I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
