the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
