...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
