I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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