ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
