Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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