i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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