Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
