in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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