I am in a vortex of obligation.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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