eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
