Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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