So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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