I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
