My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
