I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
