just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
