I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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