I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
