fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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