i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
