I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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