good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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