Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
