So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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