Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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