yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
