U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
