I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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