you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
