3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
