I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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