Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
