she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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